Dan Savage has a great post entitled What Straight People Can Learn About Marriage From Gay People which tackles statistics about reported relationship-happiness of straight vs. gay couples.
The part I am more interested in, is the last bit:
But there’s something I’d like to see these researchers address, and it’s an issue that’s sure to drive both fundies and some in the gay rights movements up the wall: monogamy.
Male same-sex couples in long-term relationships report higher levels of satisfaction, are better at resolving conflict, have less destructive argument styles, share house work more equitably, etc. We’re also a hell of lot less likely to be strictly monogamous. Many gay male couples have negotiated “agreements” about outside sexual contact (scope, frequency, safety, etc). Reading these reports I can’t help but wonder what impact, if any, the lesser emphasis gay men place on monogamy has on relationships. Does talking about and defusing one of the chief sources of marital strife—attraction to others; the desire, acknowledged or not, for a sexual variety over the life of a multi-decade partnership—contribute to higher rates of relationship satisfaction? Do gay male couples report less conflict than straight couples because fewer gay couples are conflict—or denial—about outside sexual contacts?
I would say that monogamy itself likely doesn’t have a direct impact on relationship satisfaction — cheating on your wife isn’t going to make you any happier if you are in an unhappy monogamous relationship — but that the idea of monogamy is in itself not something which a majority of people are capable of living up to. In my (admittedly limited) experience, monogamy is simply a given in heterosexual relationships — an assumed benefit of staking ones claim on another.
Why is monogamy seen as beneficial?
Hundreds of years ago, it was important to establish and secure lineage. Today, perhaps to avoid child support payments (but that’s what we have Maury Povich for.)
Perhaps to avoid transmission of disease, though one could easily limit non-monogamous sexual activity with clean and healthy individuals. Driving those who feel trapped by a monogamous relationship to fulfilling their sexual needs in secret with potentially unsavory characters clearly is not more beneficial than having an open relationship in which those needs can be understood and safely fulfilled.
A serious issue I have with the assumption of monogamy is the implied ownership of one by another. The traditional marriage vows are blatant in their implications of ownership, and a wedding ring had might as well be a collar with an “if lost, please return to spouse” tag on it. Jealousy is a good indicator of whether or not you are being trapped by a traditional ownership viewpoint. If you are jealous of someone for attracting the attention of your spouse or romantic-interest, you are upset that their attention (which you claim as your own) is being taken by someone else. That your property is in their hands. If you feel jealous and aren’t horrified / ashamed of that jealousy, you need to take a serious look at exactly what your significant-other means to you. Are they your property, or a free and whole human with their own interests, desires, and needs?
Granted, that certain individuals and couples understand themselves, each other, and their relationship together well enough to be able to enjoy a committed monogamous (and EQUAL) relationship, but I would wager that they are the exception and not the rule. See the 50% divorce rate. If you count yourself amongst the exceptions, I congratulate you.
Or, it could simply be as a commenter on Dan Savage’s post suggested:
No. It’s because gay means happy.